Collin and I were always on the "Five Year Plan". You know, no babies for five years, save lots of money, and vacation while we're young type of thing. During the first two years of our marriage we just couldn't comprehend having a baby and often wondered how newly weds could want a baby after a month of being married. (NOTHING wrong with this at all, we just couldn't imagine it for ourselves!). "A baby changes everything" we always thought. We loved our lives the way they were, and didn't want to change that.
After about two years of being married Collin started dropping some hints that he wanted to start trying to have kids. This came as a shock to me because, well, the "Five Year Plan"! I had always thought I'd be the one begging for a baby. This TERRIFIED me. I can remember a day we were driving on the interstate and I just started crying saying that I was scared that I'd be a bad mom. Not that I didn't WANT to be a mom, because I did! I had always dreamed of being a mom, and truly felt like it was going to be my calling here on earth, nonetheless I was SCARED.
Someone told me shortly after this happened, that you can never truly be ready to have kids. You can wait until you are "More financially stable", or until you have a house of your own, but you will always find an excuse to wait. My excuse was being scared. Satan was playing a good trick on me. I knew deep down inside that I would be a great mother, and that all my life was preparing me for it.
After a few more months of tossing the idea around we decided it was time. Crazy how a few months previous we were having a hard time imagining having a baby, and suddenly we were ready.
I remember the morning I found out I was pregnant. Collin and I had been trying to get pregnant for about two months. Not long I know, but the anticipation of "What if I am" was strong. I had been taking a pregnancy test for a few days in a row even though I technically wasn't even late yet--impatient me. I'm pretty sure Collin wanted to kill me because I wouldn't just wait until I was late. Instead I was wasting all this money on pregnancy tests!
I woke up early that morning and decided to take yet another test. This time it was a digital one and it read PREGNANT.
I had always thought that I would be able to hide it for a few hours until I could come up with some cute way to tell him, but once again--impatient me just couldn't wait.
I threw on some pajama pants, my Muck boots, and my gross Carhartt milking coat and out the door I ran. Collin was out feeding some cows next to our house, but I couldn't see him among all the barns. So I just started yelling his name as I was running wild in my pajamas and muck boots with some serious bed head. Yes i'm sure had my neighbors seen me it would have been a sight to see! Eventually I found him and shared the exciting news. We were ecstatic.
^^Here we are, bedhead and all!
Amongst all the happiness throughout my pregnancy there were moments of sadness where I really truly was sad that it wasn't just going to be the two of us anymore. Don't get me wrong, I was so grateful for this precious blessing of a baby, but it was bittersweet knowing that our days of just us were numbered.
Over the past two months as I've been able to experience the sacred role of a mother, I can truly say there is nothing greater. All my fears of being a bad mom are still there, but I am proving to myself each day that I AM a good mom.
As for not just being the two of us anymore, I can't imagine it just being us. Case has brought us so much joy and happiness that I couldn't have ever imagined. Watching Collin become a dad as been so rewarding, and I have so enjoyed watching that tender side of him (He's always had that side to him with his dogs, but a little human that we made is just more special!).
I'm so glad we had those years just the two of us, but I am even more glad that we have Case boy here now. There's nothing quite like being a parent. I never knew my heart could love so much.
A baby changes everything, yes it's true. Not how I had originally imagined though. Everything bad, to good and every fear, to love.